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Letter To My 13 Year Old Self

Dear 13 year old Vanah, There is so much I want to tell you but I will start with an apology. I am sorry for all the negative self talk that I told you during this stage of your life. I am sorry for the pain that you felt from the moment you woke up all the way until your head hit the pillow. I am sorry for the darkness that you faced, both within and external. I am sorry for the nights that you stayed up with blades to your skin and tears running down your face. I am sorry for the nights that you had to lock yourself in the closet to cry so that no one else could hear you. I am sorry that your depression got so bad that you spent years attempting to take your life. I am sorry that you developed an anxiety that caused you to become dependent on others whether you knew it or not. I am sorry that you felt so ashamed in your body that you chose to hide it, even from yourself. I am sorry that you cut so much that you had to hide your skin from the world, even during the summer when all you wanted to wear was shorts. I am sorry that you were never happy with what you saw in the mirror. I am sorry that you never thought you were enough. Now, enough apologies. Here is what I do have to tell you. You are 23 now. You graduated high school when you thought you were never going to. You got to celebrate your 20th birthday when you thought that you would never see that milestone. You were able to work your way through a corporate setting. You were able to move out and experience adulthood. You grew to be so selfless. You learned to love unconditionally. You learned how to take care of your mental health and do your best to manage it and not overstep your boundaries. You started therapy to better yourself when you thought you would never return after the first time you went when you were 14 and the woman shamed you for the way you were feeling. You gained a new love for your family, one you know now that you could not live without. You got to witness one of your dreams come to life. You created something so beautiful from the pain that you experienced. You created something that allows others like you to have a voice for the pain that they are experiencing within. And you pour your heart and soul into it every day; you would be so proud. Because you chose to keep living, you inspire others to do the same. But more importantly, even after all that, you found your worth. You realized just how enough you are. You are so enough it makes me smile and teary eyed at the same time just saying that. You always were and always will be, enough.

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