mentalillness

Reflection 1

Suicide, as it is for most, was my way of seeing an end to all of the pain that went on inside of my head. I wanted so badly for the pain to stop, for my brain to stop feeling like it was fighting itself, for my heart to feel that it had a little more breathing room, and for my muscles to relax for just once. I wanted nothing more than my soul to be free.

Darkness

Darkness is not something that we define by how little light there is or how the sun sets and changes the color palette of the sky to a deeper color scheme that can be hard to find in the paint section at the store. I saw darkness as my home once, and sometimes still do. When I miss it, I crawl back to the deepest part of my mind that I thought was gone forever, and sit in comfort.

It's Okay

No matter what I tell myself, I know that things will be okay. Every day is a battle, but I am getting through it. Some days are easier than others and some days are harder than others, but I am learning to get through it. I tell myself "its okay" probably a thousand times a day, because that is what makes things easier for myself. Deep breaths, closed eyes, and meaningful silences are what I do. I do what I can to make my existence easier on myself. Going from nights of wanting to stop breathing to mornings where I am thankful to be awake is  a huge change and one for the better considering the struggles that I have been facing for several years. Coming face to face with my own demons was not a task I thought I would ever be able to handle, but all I can say is that this is me seeing the light for the first time and never being so happy to be out of the dark.