I’ve worked hard on my positive self talk and it truly has helped. I have also changed parts of my own lifestyle to get me to where I want to be - and I am still working on it. Body Positivity for myself is something I am always working on and have struggled with since I was a teenager. Some days are easier than others but it is always a work in progress.
Suicide, as it is for most, was my way of seeing an end to all of the pain that went on inside of my head. I wanted so badly for the pain to stop, for my brain to stop feeling like it was fighting itself, for my heart to feel that it had a little more breathing room, and for my muscles to relax for just once. I wanted nothing more than my soul to be free.
Everyone overcomes their hardships in different ways. I know I overcame my struggles some how. But I guess I have never really thought about it until someone asked me about it. I knew I stopped cutting and stopped attempting for a reason.
Darkness is not something that we define by how little light there is or how the sun sets and changes the color palette of the sky to a deeper color scheme that can be hard to find in the paint section at the store. I saw darkness as my home once, and sometimes still do. When I miss it, I crawl back to the deepest part of my mind that I thought was gone forever, and sit in comfort.
No matter what I tell myself, I know that things will be okay. Every day is a battle, but I am getting through it. Some days are easier than others and some days are harder than others, but I am learning to get through it. I tell myself "its okay" probably a thousand times a day, because that is what makes things easier for myself. Deep breaths, closed eyes, and meaningful silences are what I do. I do what I can to make my existence easier on myself. Going from nights of wanting to stop breathing to mornings where I am thankful to be awake is a huge change and one for the better considering the struggles that I have been facing for several years. Coming face to face with my own demons was not a task I thought I would ever be able to handle, but all I can say is that this is me seeing the light for the first time and never being so happy to be out of the dark.
"How did you do today?"
A mental exit question at the end of every day making sure that I made it through, feeling the emotions I know deserve to feel. Making sure that when I cry that I am telling myself that it is okay to cry. Making sure that when I smile it is genuine and real.