Reflection 1

I created this organization because I wanted a platform that I could actively use to share my struggles with depression, anxiety, and suicide attempts. I want to be more transparent with my experience, in hopes that it can inspire you, as the reader to keep choosing life during times that you may not want to.

If you have read my story, then you know that I have been through some things since I was 13 years old. I have mentioned my battles with depression and what it is like to reach the point of wanting to end it all. But I know I have not dived deep into it.

Suicide, as it is for most, was my way of seeing an end to all of the pain that went on inside of my head. I wanted so badly for the pain to stop, for my brain to stop feeling like it was fighting itself, for my heart to feel that it had a little more breathing room, and for my muscles to relax for just once. I wanted nothing more than my soul to be free.

I went through years of attempts. I sliced my skin apart, I drank so much hoping that my liver would eventually fail, I have filled a bathtub full of water and laid underneath it hoping my lungs would give out. I wanted an out for so many years.

I got so close to the edge, hoping to jump. I stepped back so many times, and to be honest, I am very thankful I did this. I am thankful to be where I am at today. I never thought I would see my 20th birthday, and two years ago I was able to celebrate it with so much happiness.

I look back on all of those attempts and think about what would have happened if I actually stopped breathing. In those moments, I did not think about anyone else and how my suicide would affect them. I thought about how everything would be better if I was not around. I felt that I was such a burden to so many people and I did not want to feel that way anymore. I did not think about the fact that it may negatively impact them. I did not think about the fact that someone would have had to plan my funeral. I did not think about any of this because at that time, none of that mattered.

But here I am, a few years later, thankful to be breathing and living. I will never forget those dark moments and I believe that they will come back when the opportunity presents itself. However, no matter how dark the episode may be, I know that I can make it through.